Forgiveness, defined as the process of letting go of resentment or vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, is a complex and deeply personal journey. In today’s era of cancel culture, where mistakes can lead to public shaming and ostracism, understanding how to be forgiven is more crucial than ever. I was curious about the dynamics of forgiveness and redemption, and what it truly takes to be forgiven.
The Right Ratio of Positive Interactions
I discovered that research suggests we need five positive interactions to counterbalance every negative one. This ratio highlights the importance of consistently positive behavior to rebuild trust and mend relationships. It’s a reminder that forgiveness often requires sustained effort and genuine positive engagement.
Funnily enough, in advertising there is a 4:1 ratio used. This is why for TV shows you watch 13 minutes of ads for every 47 minutes of airtime on average. Lesser-known platforms cannot get away with this ratio, so it could be inferred that the better you know someone, the lower this ratio could be.
Forgiveness Isn't Always About You
I looked into a study conducted over four weeks with students, which found that forgiveness was granted regardless of the severity of the offense or the nature of the relationship. This finding was eye-opening, as it suggests that forgiveness isn’t always about the offender or the offense. Sometimes, it’s about the forgiver’s capacity to let go and move forward, emphasizing that forgiveness can be more about the forgiver’s peace than the offender’s actions.
When Forgiveness Is Withheld
However, in contrast to the above study, forgiveness can sometimes be influenced. I found that academic literature points to several circumstances where people withhold forgiveness, such as when the offense is perceived as too severe coupled with other aggressions and/or when there is a lack of remorse from the offender. Understanding these barriers can help us navigate the complexities of seeking forgiveness and allow us to act in a way that shows remorse if we feel it or recognize when it might not happen because we went to far.
It's worth noting that despite the findings of the study with students, the sunk cost fallacy has been extensively studied. The sunk cost fallacy is the tendency to continue investing in a project or decision based on the cumulative prior investment (time, money, resources) rather than future benefits. A study published in the Harvard Business Review found that many managers persist in funding failing projects due to this fallacy, even when it would be more rational to allocate resources elsewhere. This principle crosses over into relationships.
You might find someone sticks by you, or you are sticking by someone not because they bring you value, but because you've invested in them for a certain amount of time. I ask you to question whether that's a good decision for you or not.
Conclusion
In conclusion, being forgiven involves more than just an apology; it requires consistent positive interactions, understanding that forgiveness is often about the forgiver, and recognizing the barriers that might prevent forgiveness. To be forgiven, we must commit to positive change, empathize with the forgiver’s perspective, and be patient with the process. By doing so, we can foster an environment where forgiveness and redemption are more likely, but also have a better understanding when it is not.
Academic References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishers.
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McCullough, M. E., Pargament, K. I., & Thoresen, C. E. (2000). Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice. New York: Guilford Press.
Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application. New York: Routledge.
Harvard Business Review article titled “How Susceptible Are You to the Sunk Cost Fallacy?” published in July 2021.
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