The class divide between getting married and staying married vs. ending up single is pronounced. Now, this could be because only wealthy and educated people marry (which, they are more likely too), but it may also be because a great marriage helps both parties build wealth economically, emotionally, and spiritually. We all know a bad marriage is worse than no marriage, and that a good marriage takes positive interaction. Knowing this, what makes a great marriage has something special, but is it possible that something special can be created by doing more of what’s good?
In other words, can a great marriage come down to habit?
I've taken a look at scripture and what other successful couples say helps with their marriage and combined it with proven behavior change principles to come up with a simple system for a good marriage that can be catered to your specific marriage. This weekend my mentor from church said while giving me advice on marriage which I'm about to pass on to you "I'm almost 80 and we're still doing it! It's awesome!" So, if you want a marriage like this... keep reading.
A quick note: I did think about making this a secular article, but studies show Christian marriages (and religious marriages in general) are less likely to end in divorce than nonreligious ones. Now, this could be because of a shared value set, shared expectations, greater commitment, or a number of other factors, but whatever the reason is, religious marriages seem to work better, so even if you’re not religious, keep reading.
What makes a good spouse?
The Bible describes a good wife as someone of noble character, worth far more than rubies. She is a source of honor and pride for her husband, and she speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction. A good wife is diligent in managing her household and creates a nurturing environment for her loved ones. She is also respectful of her husband, supporting him with reverence and encouragement. Importantly, she fears the Lord and is to be praised for her spiritual character.
Similarly, the Bible outlines the characteristics of a good husband. He is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. A good husband is understanding and shows honor to his wife. He provides for his family and fulfills his marital duty to his wife. He also leads his family, but as the head of the wife he also loves and respects her, he is not to be harsh. He is called to be sober-minded, self-controlled and respectable.
But how do we achieve these high standards?
It's one thing to hear the scriptures, and another to embody them daily. I've been exploring different approaches to building stronger relationships and drawing inspiration from various sources.
For example, Jordan Peterson famously has a 90-minute session each week where his wife tells him everything wrong with their relationship. Other couples I've seen have done weekly walks where they say three things they appreciated and three things that upset them. Codie Sanchez uses the T.E.A.M method where each night she and her husband go through the following: T- touch, E - educate (tell each other one thing they learned), A - appreciate each other, M- metrics, which is saying what bothered them. These different approaches all have one thing in common, though: they each create structure.
Could the secret to a better marriage be... structure and measurement?
The Power of Habit Systems
It might sound strange to apply concepts of structure and measurement to something as personal as a marriage, but hear me out. The science of habit formation shows that consistent systems and tracking can be powerful tools for change.
Think of the habits you've successfully built in other areas of your life. Most likely, these were not achieved by simply setting a goal and hoping for the best, but by establishing a system. Systems are about the processes that lead to results. "You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems," according to Atomic Habits, a book that has shaped my thinking. This means that if you are struggling with a habit, the issue is most likely with your system.
This is where habit tracking comes in. Tracking behavior can increase the likelihood that habits will become established. It allows you to visualize progress, identify setbacks, and adapt your approach. In fact, a study showed that people who weighed themselves six or seven times a week averaged a 1.7% weight loss over the course of a year. This is due to the fact that "tracking your behavior gives people some accountability, it can create some natural feedback, and it can serve as a source of motivation".
Creating Systems with the Four Laws of Behavior Change
James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, presents a simple framework called the Four Laws of Behavior Change to create good habits and break bad ones.
To Create a Good Habit:
Make it obvious (Cue): Design your environment to make the desired behavior more apparent.
Make it attractive (Craving): Pair the habit with something enjoyable.
Make it easy (Response): Reduce friction to make the habit simple to perform.
Make it satisfying (Reward): Provide an immediate reward after completing the habit.
To Break a Bad Habit:
Make it invisible (Cue): Remove the cues that trigger the unwanted behavior.
Make it unattractive (Craving): Change your perception of the bad habit to make it less appealing.
Make it difficult (Response): Increase friction to make the unwanted behavior harder to do.
Make it unsatisfying (Reward): Remove any rewards associated with the bad habit.
By applying these laws, we can design systems that make it easier to embody the habits of a good partner.
Habits to Track for a Better Marriage (with some ideas you can try)
Here are some habits that husbands and wives can track to promote a stronger, more fulfilling relationship:
Daily Habits for Husbands:
Love as Christ Loved: Did you express love to your wife in a way that went above and beyond what is normal, as Ephesians 5:25 suggests? (pro-tip NYT Bestselling Author Dan Ariely says one of the best use of $50 for men is flowers)
Understanding: Did you make an effort to understand her perspective, as 1 Peter 3:7 suggests? This could look like asking about her day.
Providing: Did you take steps to provide for the needs of your household, as 1 Timothy 5:8 suggests? This could look like going to work or reading about investing.
Respectful: Did you speak to your wife with respect? Did you treat her with honor? This could look like asking for her opinion on an issue you're having.
Self-Controlled: Did you act with self-control, as 1 Timothy 3:2 suggests? This could look like self-care (eating healthy, going to the gym, etc.) to help you be the best you around her.
Daily Habits for Wives:
Respect: Did you show respect for your husband's leadership as suggested by Ephesians 5:33? This could look like recognizing when he is protecting you, and verbally appreciating him for it.
Wisdom: Did you speak with wisdom and uplift your husband and family as suggested by Proverbs 31:26? This could look like talking positively about your partner to one person a day.
Submission: Did you embrace submission as a show of trust, respect and cooperation, as is suggested by Ephesians 5:22? This could look like asking your husband's opinion on an issue in your life daily.
Diligence: Did you attend to the needs of your household, avoiding idleness, as is suggested by Proverbs 31:27? Did you do the tasks you were meant to do to keep a clean space?
Spiritual Character: Did you focus on cultivating a heart of reverence and faith as is suggested by Proverbs 31:30? Did you pray with your husband?
Weekly Habits for Couples:
Appreciation: Did you each express what you appreciate about the other, as well as what may have upset you?
Communication: Did you have a dedicated time to discuss your relationship and any challenges that arose?
Intimacy: Did you prioritize spending quality time together? Did you fulfill your marital duties to each other (wink wink) as is suggested by 1 Corinthians 7:3-4?
Spiritual Growth: Did you pray together, read scripture together, or take other steps to nourish your shared faith?
Track, Talk, and Transform
I encourage you to try this approach for seven days and see what positive changes it brings to your marriage or other relationships. I'm going to try it this week too. Focus on consistency and have grace for yourselves and each other when things don't go perfectly. Good turns to great if you improve every day.
P.S. If you found this post helpful, share it with your partner. Let's build better relationships together, one habit at a time.
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