My friend and I have been reading a book called “The Case Against the Sexual Revolution” by Louise Perry which talks about the imbalance the sexual revolution has created in the western world. It’s sparked a lot of conversations about testing compatibility and regret after sexual experiences. Of course, the topic of post-nut clarity came up and led me to the question: Is there a female equivalent?
The term "post-nut clarity" has become a popular way to describe the sudden shift in perspective some men experience after orgasm where they describe regret over the experience. But what about women? Do they experience a similar phenomenon? While there isn't a perfect equivalent, exploring the nuances of sexual regret in women reveals a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and social factors that differ significantly from those in men. This post will delve into the gender differences in sexual regret, the factors that influence these feelings, how to avoid regret, and, ultimately, why commitment within a marriage might be the most fulfilling path.
Gender Differences in Sex and Regret
Research consistently shows that men and women experience regret differently when it comes to sex. According to a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, men are more likely to regret missed sexual opportunities, while women are more likely to regret having had casual sex. Additionally, when humans are sexually aroused, they are more likely to mitigate feelings of disgust. My first viral TikTok speaks about this from a study done by one of my clients Duke Professor Dan Ariely where he found men are more likely to act immorally when sexually aroused. This finding is supported by the Sexual Strategies Theory, which suggests these differences are rooted in differing minimum parental investments. Women, bearing a greater cost of reproduction, tend to regret casual encounters with partners they deem unsuitable. In contrast, men, whose reproductive success is often limited by access to fertile partners, tend to regret missed chances for sexual activity.
These sex differences in sexual regret are robust across cultures and are not significantly impacted by religiosity or levels of gender equality. However, this does not suggest that regret is solely an evolutionary phenomena. As Emily Shire, chief researcher for The Week magazine, has pointed out: "It's hard to tease out what is purely evolutionary and what is a result of cultural and social factors when it comes to human behavior, especially one as complex and highly depicted in mainstream entertainment as sex".
What Factors Contribute to Regret?
Several factors can influence whether someone experiences regret after a sexual encounter. These can be divided into the following:
Negative Emotions: Feelings of worry, disgust, and pressure during a sexual encounter are strong predictors of regret. Women are also shown to experience greater disgust responses in sexual situations.
Lack of Gratification: Low levels of sexual pleasure during sex are correlated with higher levels of regret. This factor impacts both men and women, though partner competence is more likely to cause variation in gratification for women.
Initiative: Taking the initiative in a sexual encounter often leads to less regret, particularly for women. However, when the choice proves to be negative, the outcome may increase the experience of regret.
Partner Competence: If a partner is sexually skilled, this can reduce feelings of regret, especially for women.
It is also worth noting that "post-coital dysphoria (PCD)," which refers to negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, and aggression following sex, can affect both men and women. However, it's not the same as sexual regret and may be caused by underlying psychological distress, sexual dysfunction, or childhood trauma.
How to Avoid Regret During Sex
Although it is not possible to eliminate regret, there are methods you can use to minimize regret by taking into account the factors that contribute to it:
Communicate and Consent: Ensure that all sexual activity is consensual, and feel empowered to express desires and boundaries. Avoid being pressured or coerced.
Prioritize Pleasure: Seek out sexual experiences that are fulfilling. This may be with a partner that one feels comfortable and safe with.
Choose Partners Wisely: Engage with partners you trust and respect. Be aware of the fact that a partner may look more attractive when you are sexually aroused due to your decreased sensitivity to disgust.
Consider the Timing: Timing and sequence of sexual intimacy can impact a relationship. According to a study by BYU, couples who waited until marriage to have sex experienced 22% higher relational stability, 20% higher relational satisfaction, 15% better sexual quality, and 12% better communication than those who engaged in premarital sex.
Summary: The Path to Fulfilling Intimacy
While the complexities of sexual regret are shaped by a variety of factors, it seems that choosing sexual experiences carefully and intentionally is the path to greater satisfaction. As the BYU study reveals, delaying sex until marriage can lead to greater relationship stability, satisfaction, and improved sexual quality. It is worth noting that "Couples who hit the honeymoon too early — that is, prioritize sex promptly at the outset of a relationship — often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy".
While not all negative feelings can be avoided, especially when it comes to casual sex, it appears that a long-term commitment built on trust, communication, and respect, can enhance the opportunity for pleasure and satisfaction. Though sexual regret can feel like a complicated topic, the research indicates that pursuing relationships with an element of commitment, like those found in a marriage, may be the most direct route to avoiding future regret.
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