Yesterday, I attended a sermon where the pastor spoke about how dating apps are creating unrealistic expectations in relationships. This got me thinking about relational entitlement and how it impacts our satisfaction and the satisfaction of our partners. Relational entitlement refers to the unconscious measuring of whether a partner is "good enough".
The Study of Relational Entitlement
A study by Sivan George-Levi and collaborators (2014) at Bar-Ilan University explored relational entitlement among adults in their 50s who had been married since their 20s. Unlike studies that typically survey college students, this study examined individuals with extensive shared experiences. The researchers also surveyed both partners in heterosexual marriages, providing deeper insights into the dynamics of relational entitlement and satisfaction.
The study defined relational entitlement across four subscales:
Excessive Entitlement: Feeling "owed" something in the relationship and constantly looking for something better.
Entitlement Expectations: Expecting a partner to provide excessive attention and understanding.
Restricted Entitlement: Feeling undeserving and unable to express one's needs in the relationship.
Assertive Entitlement: Believing one's needs in a relationship should be met and standing up for one's rights.
The study found that individuals with high scores on the excessive and restricted entitlement scales were characterized as having conflicted entitlement. This means that having an extremely high or low view of oneself and one's needs can lead to chronic unhappiness because a partner will never be able to fulfill those expectations. Conversely, partners reported more satisfaction when individuals expressed and articulated their expectations.
Dating Apps and the Illusion of Choice
Dating apps may exacerbate issues with relational entitlement by creating an illusion of unlimited choice. As one interviewee noted, dating apps allow you to meet many people easily. While this "quantity over quality" approach expands the dating pool, it can also lead to superficial connections and a constant search for someone "better."
One of the perceived benefits of dating apps is that they diminish the possibility of awkwardness or embarrassment. As a Ph.D. student at Duke University noted, dating apps allow you to convey your attraction to someone without any of the costs of potential real-world rejection.
However, this can also make people less likely to take risks in real life. Men who are less successful on dating apps may lose self-confidence, while those who do well may find it difficult to commit because they are constantly receiving validation.
“In the wild, if you were a guy and you found a girl attractive, you’d have to go up to her and risk great awkwardness and embarrassment to ask her out on a date. The dating app allows you to convey your attraction to someone and vice versa without any of that cost,” he said.
The Downside of Choice
Although dating apps provide an easier way to connect with potential partners, they also have their drawbacks:
Frequent ghosting and rejection.
Misleading virtual profiles.
The feeling that endless swiping makes dating superficial.
There’s also the danger of false compatibility. Adam Lehodey, 23, an undergraduate student at Columbia University said:
“The compatibility when you’re meeting someone through a dating app is, in my view, going to be lower than if you’re meeting them through friends or places you’re otherwise hanging out because you both have a reason to be there anyway,”
Finding the sweet spot
Whether you're single or in a committed relationship, ask yourself: Are my expectations of my partner, or potential partners, realistic and fair? Finding a balance between assertive entitlement (knowing your needs) and avoiding excessive entitlement (feeling owed) can lead to more fulfilling relationships. It's about creating a space where both partners feel needed, trusted, and able to communicate their needs effectively.
References
George-Levi, S., Vilchinsky, N., Tolmacz, R., & Liberman, G. (2014). Testing the concept of relational entitlement in the dyadic context: Further validation and associations with relationship satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(2), 193-203. doi:10.1037/a0036150
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