Yesterday I sat in a room in the SIGA office in a small town called Salem, New Hampshire for their event with women in the building industry. I was there with 20+ women and about three men by the end of the day.
The session started with Asha Echeverria, a shareholder at a Maine law firm. You could tell Asha was experienced and bright. As she walked up to the podium, she was wearing professional trousers and a button up, she wore her silky black hair down and her skin, the color of the best milk chocolate, was complimented by her glasses' frames. As she spoke, she had an easy demeanor but also delivered her message with precision and purpose.
She ended her opening remarks with a story.
A few years ago, Asha had been in a courthouse, in a private area where lawyers dip in and out to make deals and settle cases with the district attorneys. On a break, she waited by a well, when suddenly an officer came up to her.
“You have to move, you can’t be here.” he said.
“But I’m an attorney.” she replied.
“You have to move, you can’t be here.” he said again.
She was confused, because the district attorney had specifically told this man she was an attorney and she thought attorneys were allowed to be in the area, but she supposed there must be a limit, so she removed herself from the well and sat in a different area of the courthouse.
As she sat on a bench outside the door, she watched white men in suits go in and out and in and out of the area she had just been removed from.
That’s strange, she thought to herself, and as she looked over at the well, she was just removed from, she saw men standing there for longer than she had, being passed by officers as if they were a part of the well itself. She didn’t know what to make of it, but soon enough another woman walked out of the well and asked to sit by her at the bench.
As the woman sat distractedly on her phone, Asha interrupted her to ask, “Is there some sort of limit for being in that section of the courthouse? I was asked to leave by the officer?”
“Are you an attorney?” the woman asked.
“Yes.” she said.
“Did he know you were an attorney?” the woman replied.
“Yes, the district attorney specifically told him I was an attorney.” she answered.
“What!?” the woman became outraged “You should not have been kicked out; I would understand if he thought you were press but you were allowed to be there for as long as you wanted.” the woman explained.
They were nice words, and Asha felt relief over feeling like she wasn’t crazy, but it’s what the woman did next that made the biggest impact.
The woman called over the officer, of course by name as she was a frequent member of the courthouse.
“Why did you kick her out?” she asked.
“She’s not allowed to be there. Blah blah blah.” he started fumbling on his words and making up nonsense excuses.
“No, she had every right to be there, you shouldn’t have kicked her out.” the woman replied calmly but the weight of her words felt like a knife.
“She’s not allowed.” he said.
“She has every right. I’m calling your supervisor.” she remained firm.
He looked scared and hurried off.
Later on, Asha told the story to her mentor, a white male at her law firm as well, who was similarly outraged and called the man’s supervisor as well.
Asha didn’t give us the details, but she did tell us the man received adequate punishment.
Throughout the next hour we heard story after story of the challenges the women on the panel had to overcome to be sitting in front of us. By the end of the panel, but we’d gotten to the audience Q&A portion of the session. A man in the audience asked why women don’t stick up for themselves more.
It’s funny, as a room we reached an answer quickly.
It’s because we don’t want to be labelled as difficult, and because we can’t afford to burn bridges in a battle, we’re not sure we’ll win.
Let me explain why using game theory.
If you don’t know what game theory is, it’s:
“The branch of mathematics concerned with the analysis of strategies for dealing with competitive situations where the outcome of a participant's choice of action depends critically on the actions of other participants. Game theory has been applied to contexts in war, business, and biology.”
In game theory, there is a scenario where two aggressors both end up losing is often referred to as a “War of Attrition”.
This type of game occurs when two players (or more) compete against each other, each hoping the other person will give up first. It’s part of a cooperative and noncooperative game. The longer the competition continues, the more both players lose, but they persist in the hope that their opponent will eventually concede.
A classic example of this is in business, where two companies might engage in a price war. Both companies continuously lower their prices to outdo the other, leading to losses for both. The game ends when one company can no longer sustain the losses and exits the market, leaving the other as the “winner,” but this often comes at a more significant cost for both parties.
Women tend to be less aggressive and more cooperative in 1:1 scenarios, the good news is we avoid the war of attrition scenario and can then move on and focus on more cooperative players, but the bad news is we allow the aggressors to continue their path of destruction.
There is a solution.
Who would you trust more?
A stranger with no ties to a restaurant that tells you it’s good, or the owner of the restaurant telling you their restaurant is good?
When we stick up for others with nothing to gain, it adds social credibility to their character. Suddenly, we are not alone, suddenly we have numbers.
You can see this in Asha’s story. If the woman and her mentor hadn’t stepped in, the officer never would have been held accountable for his actions. The problem is, Asha’s story is the exception, not the rule.
I know you can’t help everyone, but I ask the next time you see injustice against another human, remember this blog and you act with courage the way the woman and her mentor did to help someone who won’t fight back.
If you don’t, there’s a good chance no one will.
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